Honesty

I think a lot. And I've been thinking a lot lately about health and weight and energy and goals and who I am and what I want out of my life.

As I've gotten older, I'm being more honest with myself about who I am. I'm often lazy. I procrastinate. I want instant gratification.

At the same time, I honor the successes that I have had in life. I come from a background of abuse and unstable interpersonal relationships. To be married, a decent mother, hold a steady job, and be a functioning member of society is in itself a success.

Mentally, I feel like I run marathons daily. I over analyze and worry and fantasize and replay scenarios. I feel like besides being my own brain I'm responsible for parts of many other people's from family to coworkers.

When I'm home I feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the things I "should" be doing and I just retreat into escapism activities.

As far as improved health and weight loss, I've started and restarted this process so many times. I've always been obsessive about it and I've given up/gotten tired or distracted, I've not succeeded in seeing it all the way through.

I'm older now. And I'm tired. It's harder to get restarted. It's harder to have expectations of success, to be hyped up and excited about making the changes that are necessary.

Realistically I want to be healthier/weigh less in order to facilitate my overall life goals which are simpler than they have ever been before:
To see my son grown and happy in his adult life
To retire with and enjoy spending that retirement with my husband...I want us to have the financial security and the health to be able to travel.

My short term goals are
Find a way to think less and do more
Find balance so the changes I make will last